What The Professor Really Means

• You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
  ---> I used it as a grad student.
• If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
  ---> If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.
• The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
  ---> I don't understand the details either.
• Various authorities agree that...
  ---> My hunch is that...
• The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
  ---> I don't know.
• You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
  ---> I don't know.
• In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
  ---> I really don't know.
• Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
  ---> Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
• Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
  ---> I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.
• We can continue this discussion outside of class.
  --->
  1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
  2. You're winning the argument, let's quit.
• Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
  ---> I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.
• Any questions?
  ---> I'm ready to let you go.
• The implications of this study are clear.
  ---> I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about on the test.
• The test will be 50-questions multiple choice.
  ---> The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short- answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%
• The test scores were generally good.
  ---> Some of you managed a C+.
• The test scores were a little below my expectations.
  ---> Where was the party last night?
• Some of you could have done better.
  ---> Everyone flunked.
• Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
  ---> Has anyone opened the book yet?
• According to my sources...
  ---> According to the guy who taught this class last year...
• It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
  ---> I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.

Top 5 lies told by TAs to their students

1. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
2. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
4. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
5. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

Q: Why do programmers always get confused with Christmas and Halloween ?
A: because DEC (25) = OCT (31).

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Statistician

1. Deviation is considered normal.
2. We feel complete and sufficient.
3. We are “mean” lovers.
4. Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
5. We are right 95% of the time.
6. We can legally comment on someone’s posterior distribution.
7. We may not be normal but we are transformable.
8. We never have to say we are certain.
9. We are honestly significantly different.
10. No one wants our jobs.